Stress, Anxiety, and Sex Expectations.
Stress and anxiety are everywhere; the modern world seems to have its own special way of impregnating every activity with at least a hint of stress and anxiety.
The most common contributor I see on a daily basis, is developed and rooted in our very own hands, pockets and handbags. We are so connected to everyone and everything, all the time, (voluntarily and involuntarily) that the very thing that has been designed to ‘help us’, is actually one of the biggest causes or funnels of modern stresses, anxiety and invalid expectations.
We constantly use our phones, whether it is to find useful information, or scroll social media looking for ‘entertainment’, but there is a dark side to this over communicative and information saturated device. We also often use it as a barrier in awkward social situations (if I scroll with headphones on, I can almost always avoid any conversation by looking occupied) and we also use it to compare ourselves to others via social media, sometimes without even knowing we are doing it. These simple and innocuous seeming social decisions may lead to a world where we limit our social interactions and become more isolated. Alongside this many of us also have the expectation of ourselves to be a fully fledged socialite, seemingly by what we are exposed to on social media, causing us all more undue stress than necessary.
Not everyone hides behind their phones, that is true, but it hasn’t been this easy to disassociate from society and people in millennia and to avoid ‘awkward’ social situations if we so choose.
The big problems arise when we see what we want (mainly on our phones and social media due to excessive scrolling) but the path to it seems too hard or too steep to take so we are paralysed with inaction. And so, we are forced to sit with our desires, comparisons and preconceived perceptions of what is ‘normal’ and have to deal with ‘being less’ in our minds, even though the reality is that you are normal and what you have been exposed to online really is misinformation. If the same information was plotted on a graph against world population averages, it would likely be considered a series of ‘anomalies’.
In short, many of the things we see on social media or various adult sites are fake and manufactured or crafted and bloated to make you feel a certain way, which can lead to the person it is subjected to, feeling inadequate or fearful of their own shortcomings.
For some men, these comparisons may contribute to sexual anxiety or unrealistic expectations, which can in turn affect sexual experiences.
The mobile phone has everything we could ever need to survive the modern world - easy comms with friends, family, and even strangers. It is a remarkable thing, with satellite assisted maps, we know where we are going at all times, but it also poses us a modern problem, we no longer have an excuse for being imperfect or for ever being late. Maps that are always ensuring we are taking the most efficient and direct route, avoiding the dreaded traffic, but also the happy discovery of a nice coffee shop or pleasant social interaction when we take a wrong turn.
The other day I was driving to visit a mate that I hadn’t seen in a little while. For ease, I entered their postcode into my phone that links to my car, it said I would arrive in 38 minutes. I then texted my friend and said ‘See you in 40’ giving myself 2 minutes grace, and set about my journey.
The start of the journey was…interesting. There was much more traffic than expected, it started to rain, and it was clear that it was going to take much longer than 40 minutes to get there. As I drove, I watched the 38 minutes on the journey estimation time barely move, meaning the time I spent sitting in traffic and negotiating terrible wet weather drivers was a complete waste of time.
This is when it dawned on me. A slight inconvenience in this modern world and I was STRESSED, messing with the voice controls in my car to try and text my buddy to let them know I was going to be ‘late’. I was completely SET UP, not by the weather and the traffic, but by my own expectations of how long I thought the journey should take after being informed by the technology I guided my life by (and used as a source of ‘truth’) I was annoyed and disappointed that in better conditions the ‘average driver’ could make this journey that quickly.
The sheer expectation that the journey should have taken just 38 minutes now made me anxious, the feeling that if I take any longer then I would have to view it as a failure, and maybe not just by me, but perhaps it would be viewed the same way by everyone who has ever driven a car.
What happens when we apply the same thinking to sex? Imagine being told that a “normal” sexual experience should last X minutes, that you should perform in a certain way, that your partner should climax at a particular point, and that if you don't meet those expectations something is wrong with you. Suddenly, sex isn't just sex anymore. It's a performance review.
This is where my thinking became irrational, in order to try and not be ‘late’ (a time constraint set by me and not my good pal) I found myself racing against the clock, trying to make up time here and there, changing lanes and not stopping for coffee.
Then the realisation hit me, surely, we all drive cars at different speeds and take different roads and shortcuts and sometimes the odd scenic path. Some arrive sooner, some arrive later, (and I personally love it when I haven’t driven like a nutter and still catch up to the idiot in the flash car that overtook me 15 minutes ago) and we sometimes drive differently to suit ourselves or our passengers.
I had stressed myself out, compared myself to others, and let technology influence my emotions, rationality and perspective to the point where I was anxious and upset with myself.
So how could I stop feeling this way?
My options seemed clear at the time.
Stop driving altogether (the perceived root cause of stress). Or, stop using my sat nav (the source of the expectation). Or, stop beating myself up when I was late.
The more I thought about it, the more it became clear in my head, I shouldn’t beat myself up, and I shouldn’t be put off from driving altogether after a couple of bad journeys, and maybe I can take notice of my sat nav but not use it as a performance indicator or measurer for each journey, as sometimes ‘things’ happen.
A theme that keeps coming up in the news is young men comparing themselves against toxic masculinity social media icons and measuring their masculinity (and other things) up against porn stars and emulating what they believe the societal rhetoric says about them and how they should behave as a man. It is also the same societal rhetoric that dictates that sex should be at least “X” minutes long and that everyone should climax at the same time at the end and if they don’t then their masculinity is up for debate. Ridiculous!
The worst bit about it is that this view is actually upheld in society, joked about and ridiculed and so it takes strength to actually realise that whilst it may be true for a small percentage of men, the reality is that most men's sexual experiences are much more varied and ordinary than the highly edited version we see online and not everyone is satisfied with every single experience, all of the time.
This is all to say that Premature ejaculation (PE) can have a myriad of root causes and affect men differently, whether it be the general duration (how long intercourse lasts and being left feeling unsatisfied after, and think they should last longer, when in fact your duration is actually average (also known as subjective premature ejaculation)), or a period in their lives (they may be having a stressful 6 months or a new health condition that causes PE temporarily) known as ‘acquired premature ejaculation’ or ‘secondary premature ejaculation’ or whether it is a lifelong condition called ‘lifelong premature ejaculation’, or ‘primary premature ejaculation’.
It can also develop as part of a mental health condition, or from stress in day-to-day life (from stressful life experiences or anxiety about sex with a new partner) or anxiety that can arise out of their sheer lack of overall sexual practice and intimate experiences which is considered a normal variant rather than a chronic medical disorder (‘situational premature ejaculation’) and there may be even more ways it can occur, yet to be scientifically explored.
All we know is that with the modern world being as stressful as it is and the root causes being so many, do we really need to apply more pressure to ourselves to ‘perform’ and control every aspect of ourselves or should we view sex as an experience to be enjoyed for what it is, short, long, exciting, casual, spontaneous, stress relieving, loving, the list goes on. Whatever it is to you and your partner, it is yours to be enjoyed without stress or expectation.
If you are however sure that stress, anxiety and expectations are not the root cause of your PE, it may be that you are experiencing acquired PE or lifelong PE and if you feel you could use assistance, helping yourself and your partner shouldn’t be a cause of stress either. There are many techniques and products you can use, here is a source that may help.
There are products such as Stud 100 topical spray that can help, but you should find what works for you and your partner and so it may consist of a combination approach. STUD 100 contains lidocaine and is for the treatment of premature ejaculation. Always read the label/leaflet.
If you require further information, please take a look at our website or consult your doctor or healthcare professional about your possible treatment options.
There is also an online consultation you can take at Boots to get your journey started!
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